Twin Disasters
by tiana-thy-shakspearian-banana
Summary: Two girls from the year 2014 travel to Thedas, against both their will and better judgement. Harriet and Tiana, both very different, but very alike... And both completely insane. What happens when they grace Garret Hawke's "Merry band on misfits" with that extra bit of misfittiness? Hell. And, Anders gets very sick of Frozen quotes, very quickly. F!OC/Sebastian and F!OC/Fenris.
1. Prologue: A Fateful Night Indeed

**A:N  
Just so you guys know, the two characters are actual people... In other words, me and one of my best friends Harriet, also know as Platinumpipo. She's amazing. **  
**Chapters will be a lot longer than this... This is a mere taste of the hilarity and awesomeness that will be subject here. **  
**Disclaimer: I do not own the Dragon Age universe. I own only Tiana. *Cries***

Harriet threw her hands up into the air, cursing the game that they were playing… Albeit loudly.

"_**FUCK YOU FENRIS! FUCK YOU SEBASTIAN! FUCK EVERYONE**_!" she shouted, flailing about like a lunatic.

A girl with shoulder length brown hair with a bright blue streak in the side raised an eyebrow, swiveling in her chair to watch her best friend make a fool of herself.

"You alright there, Potter?" she asked, giggling slightly as she turned back to the screen of her computer.

"You thought I was insulting them?" she started, scrunching her face up into something that could only be described as a '_rape face_', "I meant literally… _OH LAWDY THAT ELF IS HOT_!"

Tiana, the host of the sleepover they were currently engaging in, ran a hand down her face, feigning exasperation, "Shut up a' ya face'a! Imma tryin' to a' concentrate!"

She stared intently at the screen, at the characters of her favorite game, Dragon Age II. Fenris, her preferred character, was currently swinging his long sword with Harriet's favorite, Sebastian.

A low whistle came from the other side of the room, and said person was soon leering over her shoulder at the male character, damn nearly salivating.

"Yum," she whispered in a voice that bordered demonic, "I've taken quite a fancy to this one."

Tiana looked at her best-friend in faux-disgust, twisting her face, "I'm horrified! He is an innocent brother of the chantry!"

Harriet grinned, "That's half the fun."

Tiana cackled, the manic laugh holding undertones laced with lunacy.

"Jesus fucking Christ, man. You are bloody insane, woman," she leaned in closer to the screen, her hand flying back to smack the other girl across the face.

"Fuck, really?" Harriet drawled, sarcasm dripping from every word, "I didn't notice. Honestly."

Thunder clapped outside, making Tiana jump and let out a small shriek.

"Bloody hell, that was… Loud…"

Another clap of thunder sounded, even more audible than the last, and this time a large flash of lightning streaked across the sky.

The ground started to shake violently, knocking Harriet off balance and sending Tiana flying from her chair, cussing loudly.

The tree outside of her room was ablaze, and the fire caught quickly, leaping from the foliage to her dark blue curtains, casting the room in an eerie orange light.

Tiana's vision clouded, speckled black at the sides and fading to darkness quickly.

The last thing either of them saw of that world, was the flames rising up to greet them.

Friendly flames. Such a nice gesture.

And, it was the start of something new, when both girls awoke, face down in a puddle, in the middle of a deserted street… Lined with spikes.


	2. Chapter 1: An Interesting Turn Of Events

**A:N**  
**Hola people! Just a heads up, there's a lot of bad language in this chapter, so if you're sensitive about that kind of thing... Yeah... **  
**The chapters will be small, but packed with hilarity. The updates, however, will vary. I'm not making a schedual because I have school and I'm also the laziest fuck of them ALL! **  
**Disclaimer: I own only Talon/Tiana. PlatinumPipo owns Harriet/Narcisa. Bioware owns Dragon Age... For now... *manic laughter***

Varric nudged one of the unconscious girls with his foot, causing her to stir and open one big brown eye.

"The fuck?" she mumbled, bringing a hand up to her head, "Where-what-who… _Fuck_."

The other started to stir, and opened one of her eyes, revealing them to be a startling ice blue.

Her eyes met Varric's, and they widened to the size of dinner platters, confusing the dwarf greatly.

"Never seen a dwarf before, elf?" he asked, the slightest bit of bite in his tone.

She nudged her companion, her mouth hanging in an 'O' shape, "T-Tarnz? Please tell me that is not who I think it is…"

The one with tanned skin and brown eyes lifted her head again, looking Varric dead in the eyes. Hers were a deep brown, rimmed by black… Strange for an elf.

"Varric Tethras?" she asked, voice betraying nothing.

The dwarf laughed, outstretching his hand, "That is indeed my name. Have we met?"

The brown-eyed girl let out a long, sarcastic laugh, before stating, "Well, shit."

The blue-eyed one, the one with short hair, wrapped her arms around the darker one, whispering, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."

'_Toto_' brushed her friend off before standing up. She favored one leg, so Varric assumed she must have been injured. _'I have to get Blondie to look at that,' _he told himself.

"Well… This is… Awkward…"

Varric cocked his head to the side, "I don't see why... Unless… Are you one of my former lovers?"

Toto laughed, though it held… Rather manic undertones.

"Oh, oh no. No. Just, no. How do I explain this? I honestly don't know. Harriet, how do we explain this? We're in Thedas. Thedas is not real. You are not real," she cackled madly, causing Varric to back away slightly, "Aaaaaaandnowtheshockissettinginandohfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."

The dwarf stepped closer and knelt down, keeping a steady hand on his crossbow, Bianca. "Calm down… Now tell me, what happened?"

The taller of the two, the blue eyed one, stood as well, gesturing to the Hanged Man, the local tavern, in which Varric owned.

"Hey, Tiana. Y'know what that is?"

The darker one raised an eyebrow at the squat building, "No…"

"It's a pub," the other stated, "and I need a stiff drink. Now. We can sort this shit out later."

Varric chuckled, patting the girl on the arm, "I like this one."

Tiana turned to her friend, but when they were facing each other, both leapt back with horrified expressions.

"What… No… What… You… YOU'RE A FUCKING ELF, HARRIET!"

Harriet reeled back in shock, and pointed at her, hand shaking, "**YOU'RE A FUCKING ELF AS WELL **_**WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WHAT IS HAPPENING**_?!"

Both girls screamed in unison, and Varric backed away, this time more hastily, "Look, both of you, I don't know what's happened but… Just… That building, it's the Hanged Man, the tavern I own. Come inside, and we can discuss this more… Civilly…"

Tiana whirled on him, eyes blazing a fierce gold color, "You want to talk civilly? _**WE HAVE POINTY ELF EARS AND YOU WANT CIVIL? I'LL GIVE YOU FUCKING CIVIL**_!"

She threw her hands into the air, and the windows of the nearest house shattered, making Varric jump and Tiana go wide-eyed.

"Oh, fuck, that's right… My character was a mage…" she brought her palm promptly to her forehead, "Oh shit, this will be interesting."

Tiana's Dragon Age Origins character, Talendrien, otherwise known as Talon, was a Dalish Elf mage-thief. Now, she wished she had chosen a human character. They tended to attract less attention from the templars, who liked to lock up said mages. Fun people. Great at parties.

At least Harriet's character, Narcisa, was an elf as well. Though she wasn't a mage, but a warrior who fought with a goddam huge double bladed battleaxe, whose strangely cold blue eyes tended to send people running for their lives.

Narcisa was extremely tall for an elf and lithe, but still held muscle under her skin, even though it was quite well hidden. Her hair was short, a dark shade of brown and longer on one side than the other, and her skin was pale, her cheekbones dusted with freckles. Her large, round eyes were framed by black eyelashes, making their piercing color stand out that much more. Harriet's description of her was, 'Fucking Kawaii, bitches.'

Talendrien, however, was shorter, though still tall, and more curvy, and her skin was darkly tanned. Her hair was shoulder length and the shade of her hair was only a small bit darker than her skin, her eyes only a bit lighter, almond shaped and framed by black eyelashes. The only way to describe her was, 'Sultry, but deadly.'

She sighed, attempting to adjust her jacket, which was now to tight in certain… chestal… areas…

Varric seemed to only then notice their strange attire, and cocked an eyebrow, "Say, that's some strange clothing you've got there…"

Tiana laughed nervously, rubbing the back of her neck, "Um, yeah… We… Kind of need new ones…"  
The dwarf smirked, "I have a friend that looks about your size. And you… You can borrow some of Merrill's things."

Harriet smiled, only it looked rather… Pained… "Oh… Awesome…Yeah… Cool…"

He gestured to the tavern entrance, which held a quite disturbing depiction of a dead man hanging by his ankles, "Come on. I'll introduce you to my friends… I reckon they could hit you up with some work. Hell, you might even get to join us."

"My name's Talendrien, or Talon, for short," Tiana extended her hand to the dwarf, "This is Narcisa, or Sissy for short."

Varric smiled and nodded, "Well, you know who I am… So… Do either of you know how to fight?"

Harriet snorted, gesturing to the huge battleaxe strapped to her back, "No, I carry this around to get chicks."

* * *

The door to The Hanged Man swung open noisily, and the stench of alcohol, food and sweat hit Harriet and Tiana, or Talon and Narcisa, right in the face. It was a foul reek, but the warmth of the inn was welcome.

A dark haired woman shouted from the other side of the inn, "Hey Varric! Your chest hair got you some more girls, hey?"

_'Isabela,'_ Talon thought, much to her dismay.

She approached them, another girl at her heel who appeared to be an elf. She had short, black hair and was wearing a green robe.

_'And that would be Merrill.'_

"Hi," said the timid elf, smiling shyly, "It's nice to see some more elves around here."

Narcisa smiled madly, jumping up and down, "You are so _**FUCKING KAWAII**_!"

Merrill grinned, blushing slightly, "I haven't the slightest idea of what that means, but thank you."

The blue-eyed elf squealed and embraced the young girl, nearly squeezing out her innards, "I have decided I love you."

Merrill giggled, embracing Narcisa back, "Oh, that's lovely. I love you to, clanswoman."

The darker human woman, Isabela, smirked, "Well, aren't you two just precious. Where have you been all this time, huh?"

Varric stepped between her and Talon, who was close to snarling, "Now now, introductions can wait, we need to get these girls changed. Riviani, find something for Talon. That's the dark one with the kind of creepy eyes. Merrill, grab an outfit for Narcisa. She's the one with blue eyes."

With that, Isabela shot a devious smirk her way, and Merrill skipped off with Narcisa.

_'This... Will be interesting...'_

* * *

Isabela led Talon upstairs with a grin plastered on her face, most likely thinking up something devious and downright perverted… As she did so often…

Talon was still having a mild freak-out.

"So," the Riviani pirate started, "How long have you been in this shit-dump, Kirkwall?"

"Uhhh… About… A day? A day."

"A day?" she raised an eyebrow as she fished through the numerous tunics and pairs of leggings and boots, all which covered a little less skin than she'd like them to, "Well, feel lucky Varric found you then."

Talendrien raised an eyebrow in question, and Isabela laughed, waving her off, "Oh, don't worry your pretty little head over it, sweetheart. Okay, I've found something for you to wear. We can be twins!"

To the elf's dread, the woman pulled out a garb quite similar to her own, but it was black and red instead of white and blue. That, and she at least had the decency to take a pair of leggings as well.

Talon shuddered, then snatched the clothing and walked into the washroom, where she attempted to throw it on… Though, that did not work at all.

"Isabeeeeeeeeeeeeeela," she cried, rather embarrassed.

The bloody woman didn't help when she broke into hysterical laugher, though she had to admit, it would have made a funny sight. She couldn't figure out how to work the straps, and the buckles were in strange places. The tunic ended up bunched around her shoulders, and she stood there completely incapacitated, in effectively, nothing but her underwear and thigh-high boots.

"Shut the fuck up and help me out of this," Talendrien snapped, squirming in the goddamn thing that had basically pinned her arms in the air.

"Okay, okay… But I'll need help," the pirate grinned evilly, and, before Talon could do anything about it, she hollered, "_**BROODY! ELF! FENRIS! WE NEED SOME HELP UP HERE**_!"


	3. Chapter 2: Introductions

**A:N**  
**Hey guys, well, there's a bit of innuendo in this chapter, but when is there not? Also, there is quite a lot of swearing, but, yet again, when is there not? **  
**And, before anyone asks... No. Talon does _not_ enjoy wearing the tunic Isabela gave her. _At all_. **  
**Disclaimer: Bioware owns basically everything. Except Talendrien and Narcisa. *Gathers up protectively* They are _mine_. **

Sissy lifted her head and turned in the direction Isabela was yelling from. She had just been outfitted with a simple pair of trousers and a tunic from Merrill, she would find some actual armour later but right now she was more concerned with figuring out what the hell was going on. She thanked Merrill for the clothes and headed in the direction of the yelling coming from up the stairs, the voice bellowing vaguely recognisable as Fenris', and knowing Isabela, this was going to be amazing.

She tended to be like that.

Narcisa had just rounded the corner when she witnessed something strange; Fenris was standing in the open door of Isabela's room and was shouting profanities. He had never done that… At least, not in the game.

"**WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU ISABELA!? HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE A TOTAL BITCH YOU KNOW THAT?! I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR MIND, BUT THIS…"**

The elf's markings, made of a special magical substance named lyrium, were starting to glow. That was an indication he was angry…

Curious to see what was going on, she sidestepped around to see what, exactly, Isabela had done to cause Fenris to swear like a sailor and turn beetroot red.

And then she started laughing, hysterically at that.

"Oh my god," Sissy wheezed "What the fuck are you doing Talon?"

Said girl had her arms pinned up by the tunic she was struggling to pull on, and was wearing nothing else but her underwear and boots, and the strange wiggly thing she was doing helped the hilarity further.

"Shut the fuck up Potter and help me you bitch."

Talon was pissed off. That asshole Isabela, brilliant as she may be, had called Fenris up to help her dress, and her best friend was standing in the hallway laughing at her, and the male elf was still standing in the doorway, gaping.

"Fenris," she started, the very image of calm.

"Yes?"

"**GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU PERVY BASTARD OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL CASTRATE YOU!"**

Fenris backed out and practically ran down the hall muttering something about her being "Less stable than the Abomination". Narcisa assumed he was talking about Anders, as it was commonly known the two were at each other's throats.

Sissy was still laughing, all the while Talon was glowering at her.

"Dayum Talon, you_ fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine_ gurl!" Sissy chortled, waggling her eyebrows at the other girl.

"Damn straight bitch. Now shut the fuck up and help me out of this thing!"

"_Ooooooooh,_ if you wanted me to undress you, you should have asked earlier," the blue-eyed elf stated, her voice overflowing with suggestiveness.

Talon glared at her, eyes blazing orange, and Sissy finally shut her trap and helped her out of the offending piece of clothing.

"Seriously?" Sissy asked, raising an eyebrow, "_This_ is what you're wearing? You look like a hooker. Now all we need is a $2 sign and we're good to go!"

Talon punched her… hard.

Sissy rubbed her stomach, wincing, "Owww," she whinged, "What was that for ya bitch? I was just telling the truth!"

"Level up," Talon said, her expression completely blank. Sissy stared at her for a minute before they both burst into crazed laughter, gasping for air and looking like complete lunatics.

"Level up? Seriously, man?" Sissy wheezed as they lay on the ground, still laughing like crazy people… Which was not too far from the truth.

"Gotta love ASDF," her friend replied as they continued to laugh, although it was mildly hysterical now.

"**Ahem**," came a cough from the corner, and when they picked themselves up off of the floor, Talon and Sissy saw Isabela leaning against the wall with her eyebrow raised in question.

"Would you hurry up? I'd like to get reeeeally drunk sometime in the near future," the pirate said, her mouth twitching into a grin, "and I reckon it's past time that you meet the rest of the crew."

* * *

Narcisa grinned, linking her arm with Talon's, who was irritably pulling up her tunic, as it was far too low for her tastes.

"Bloody whore of a bitch," she muttered, wrenching the top up, "It's not even the tits that make it fall down it's just… It's just so goddamn low. I feel like my charlies are going to flop out and say "hi" any minute, now."

Sissy snickered at her friend's distaste for the garment, though she had to admit, it was that step above skimpy… And horrible.

"Way to make a good impression, Taltal," the taller elf grinned, "Flash 'em all your tits. That'll certainly get the guys to take a fancy to you."

Talon drove her elbow into the other girl's stomach, glaring daggers at her.

"Talon used** shut-the-fuck-up-otherwise-I-will-murder-you**," she smirked, holding back laughter, "_IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE_!"

Sissy chuckled, promptly slapping Talon across the face, "_Ah_… Shut up, ya crazy bitch."

The girl in question let out an insane sounding giggle-snort, bashing the other with her hip.

Talendrien reached the staircase first, smirking as she began to descend. Though that smirk morphed into a face of shock when her foot slipped and she went tumbling… Taking Narcisa with her.

They tumbled ungracefully, looking more akin to a fleshy heap rather than two elven girls.

Talon grimaced as she saw a person step out in front of the stairs, another elf by the looks of it, with tanned skin and blonde hair tied into a ponytail… Wait, was that…

Zevran. The king of all perverts, and not even supposed to be in this game… Well, not in the "group".

He turned his head, one moment too late, and was greeted with the sight of a scantily dressed elf and a fellow, not-so-scantily-dressed elven girl carrying a huge-ass axe.

The blonde man's jaw fell, and he held his hands out, as if to catch them…

Which did nothing, when over a hundred kilograms of elf fell on him.

* * *

Varric smirked upon seeing the Talon and Sissy plow into Zevran, the elf assassin that Garett Hawke had picked up on the Wounded Coast, just outside of Kirkwall.

What they had yet to find out, was that there was no greater pervert than Zevran.

The elf in question smirked, picking himself and the two girls up and snaking an arm around each of their waists, resting his hands on their behinds and planting a chaste kiss on Sissy's cheek.

"_Well, well_. I've had women fall all over me, but not two at once. And elven women, beautiful you are."

His words were slurred, and Varric could tell the assassin was drunk. Already.

Sissy drove her elbow into his stomach and unsheathed her battleaxe, whilst Talon tackled him to the floor, grinning.

The blue-eyed elf looked at her friend in question, raising the axe. The other, brown eyes almost black, nodded, wrapping her legs tighter around the man's waist.

With a small, insane laugh, Sissy threw her axe down, landing a mere centimetre from his crotch, making him instantly break a sweat.

"Lay a hand on either Narcisa or I," Talon started, detaching herself from him, "And you will become an eunuch. If you don't know what that means, well… That axe will land an inch closer,_ let's leave it at that_."

Varric placed his hand over his mouth, stifling laughter as Zevran's eyes grew wide. The rest of the party was staring, gaping at the two girls who had just downed an assassin in under ten seconds.

Zevran stared to, for a moment… Then burst into laughter, patting Sissy on the back.

"You two… You two I like. Far better than the boring old non-psychotic people I usually have to hang around with!"

Talon raised an eyebrow, while Sissy laughed and clapped him on the shoulder, "Bitch please. I'm not psychotic, I'm fabulous."

The shorter elf's face seemed to darken, and Varric stepped in before someone really did get their dangly-dong chopped off.

"So, Talon and Sissy, care to introduce yourselves to the rest of the group?" the dwarf gestured to the cluster of men and women , some of which were human and some of which were elven.

Talon stepped forwards cautiously, seeming to weigh what she would say, "Well.. Um… My name's Tian- Fuck, it's Taledrien, but you can call me Talon. I'm, uh, an… Ex-pirate. I've just come back from Tevinter, where I was supposed to pick up a shipment of slaves," she saw Fenris tense at the talk of slaves, "I ended up killing the magister and freeing the slaves, both because slavery is just maker-damed wrong and that there was much talk of him taking me as one to, because of my Dalish heritage. I then fled to Kirkwall in search of safety."

Merrill had perked up when she said she was of a Dalish clan, and Fenris' face visibly softened when she spoke of freeing the slaves. It was if she somehow knew what to say to make them like her, and her reference to the maker made Sebastian, a brother of the Chantry whom Varric liked calling Choir Boy, smile slightly.

Sissy stepped forwards next, placing the battleaxe on her back, "Well, I'm… Narcisa. Sissy, for short. I'm a mercenary, and I like smashing shit. I'm basically a less green version of the Incredible Hulk. I came to Kirkwall with Talon, because I met her in… Um… Orlais. I had just finished slaughtering a bunch of noble fucktards when this lunatic arrived, and we became fast friends. And now I'm here. Cool story, hey?"

Isabela snickered, then dragged the two to the counted, smirking evilly.

"Are we going to get drunk, or not?" she asked, leaning against the wood, "Because I could** really** use a stiff drink."

Talon laughed, leaning on the counter next to her, "As long as they have vodka, I'm happy."

Sissy nodded, grinning, "Vodka and whiskey. A girl needs her whiskey."

The Riviani Pirate laughed, albeit loudly, drawing the eyes of patrons to the three, "Well, I could get you what I always get."

Talon kept a completely straight face whilst saying, "What, herpes? I'll pass, thanks."

The three women laughed, ordering their respective alcohols, all the while Varric leant over to Zevran and whispered, "Now, won't this be... _interesting_?"


End file.
